Gardening Fashion

Fashion in the garden is much misrepresented by all those mischievous country charm catalogues. Do you fancy a spot of weeding in your oyster coloured moleskins?

Do you visualise yourself doing the winter slash and burn with your denims tucked into gumboots and a cute little pale blue shirt? Or will you stride out to do the roses wearing a fisherman's vest full of pockets? Pity that the secateurs don't quite fit...

Summer Garden Fashion

Lets get two things straight. Summer gardeners like to sit in the warm dirt to weed. They don't want to get bitten, or too sunburnt, and their clothes must portray a careless elegance (in case of unexpected visitors). Pale blue country checked shirts are possibly a good look, if there is the slightest hint of a photograph...

Years of Garden Fashion

Winter gardeners should look more like bad weather trampers than weeders and diggers. They like to kneel in the mud, and when the ground is too muddy they will spend hours with their bottoms in the air. Such body positions require the correct insulation - and most outdoor manuals suggest layers of wool or thermal clothing.

layers of style

The Winter Garden Strip

Layers of winter gardening clothes also need to be peeled off easily. Consider a typical winter gardening Saturday. The intrepid gardener emerges at 8:30 am. The temperature is three degrees (Celcius). The sun bravely tries to peer through the shelter trees. She will be tri-thermalled and probably bi-fleeced, vested, balaclava-ed and gloved, with the resulting shape of a half oak barrel, or a Michelin woman.

Heating Up

She will then spend two hours hugging armfuls of pine and gum tree debris and loading them onto a trailer. There will be a bonfire in the middle of the back paddock, where she will do the dance of the seven thermal layers, shedding each until she hops around like a brightly striped red-faced bird, with naked knees and elbows.

For summer gardening a most important fashion item is the gardening shirt. It must be loose and flowing. Specifically, it must flow over the hips and bottom of the gardener, making her appear elegant in all gardening postures, particularly those which result in digging.

fashionable digging

Garden Shorts and Footwear

The gardening shorts should be sturdy and sensible, hanging to the knees, and create the illusion of a Himalayan trekker. Footwear is definitely seasonal. Gumboots are not a good summer look, neither would any self respecting summer gardener be seen weeding in boat shoes. Mud and moisture content (plus the thickness of the favourite socks) are the best indicators.

Apres Gardening

Apres gardening is an important fashion moment, and here there are very definite stylistic rules. Apres gardening clothing must be delicate, create the impression of slenderness, and must attract dirt. White or pale blue are suitable colours. The wearer must not be able to poke in a patio pot or do any sneaky weeding without the clothing being ruined. The apres gardening look is completed with clean brushed hair and lavender scent. Family and friends will appreciate this new aroma, and partners might even comment that the gardener's hair looks "fluffy".

stylish in silver

Stylish Accessories

Garden accessories are important in defining the unique essence of a gardener. Favourite spade and wheelbarrow will attain ye olde worlde rustic charm if left outside in rain. Secateurs and hand diggers similarly get a retro muted orange look. Funny - it's exactly the same colour as rust...

Stylish gardeners who listen to cricket and rugby commentaries while gardening can avail themselves of the new silver techno look, popular in minimalist gardens.

Garden Paparazzi

There are also rules of style for the garden paparazzi. These are the gardening photographers who pop up around Moosey's Country Garden from time to time. Their softness of step needs the contrast of loud, garish coloured clothing. They must be visible to the gardener at all times through the greenery, and they should not spend ridiculous amounts of time and money trying to take photos of insects.

garden paparazzi in action photographing a miscanthus seedhead

So next time you peruse the country charm catalogues, or see pictures of tidy garden owners (like HRH the Prince of Wales) weeding in cream slacks, think again. Gardeners are loveable but messy creatures. Don't be tempted. Remember that mud always sticks - particularly to moleskins.

Footnote

Since this article was written the author has discovered stretch denim...