Cat and Dog Speech

If there was just one thing I could tinker with in the Great Grand Design, I would give domestic cats and dogs the power of cat and dog speech. But it could then be a case of 'Be careful what you wish for'. Here is one such conversation with my dog Rusty, who is a mature, slightly overweight red border collie.

 Snoozing on the house lawn.
Rusty the Dog

Head Gardener : Aaaaaw - Rusty! Good dog!

Rusty : I'm not good. I'm bored. Can I have a dog biscuit?

Head Gardener : Best puppy dog!

Rusty : I'm not a puppy. I'm eight years old. That's nearly as old as you. Can I have a dog biscuit?

Head Gardener : C'mon, Rusty! Let's do some gardening.

Rusty : Gardening? Do I have to? Gardening is sooooo boring for dogs. Can I have a dog biscuit?

I'll Try Percy

OK. So that didn't quite go the way I thought. I'll try my cat Percy. He's ginger, a bit cautious, a bit mysterious in the daytime - but the most loving, smoochy cat in the evenings.

 Dear Percy!
Ginger Percy on the Pergola

Head Gardener : Aaaaaw - Percy, my beautiful ginger boy, Percy! Percy the Moosey Poosey!

Percy : Whatever... About those new meaty selections from Whiskas. I don't like them. I like the fishy ones.

Head Gardener : Oh, sorry...

Percy : And this so-called 'fresh' pet meat? Yuck! I reckon they've put on the wrong use-by-date.

Head Gardener : Oh, sorry...

Percy : Didn't you even bother to take the lid off in the supermarket and check the smell?

Try Again with Tiger

I'll try again with Tiger the Tortoiseshell. I'm sure she likes me - anyway, she's always hanging around the house.

 Enjoying the warm sun.
Tiger Cat by the Mexican Daisies

Head Gardener : Miss Tiger! There you are!

Tiger : Oooh goodie - is it time for morning tea?

Head Gardener : Tiger!

Tiger : Lunch?

C'mon Fluff-Fluff

Hmm. That was rather short and sweet. But here's big Fluff-Fluff. He's my best friend, and loves sitting as close as possible to me.

 My big fluffy gardening cat.
Fluff-Fluff Cat in the Garden

Head Gardener : Good morning, big Fluff-Fluff.

Fluff-Fluff : I'm not big, I've just got big bones. So can I sit on your computer keyboard?

Head Gardener : No! Sit here beside me on this chair.

Fluff-Fluff : pppppppppp000iipokkpoy7gter322211111

Head Gardener : Aargh!

What About Minimus?

OK, so my dog thinks I'm boring, and those big house cats take me completely for granted! But there's young Minimus, my cottage cat, whom I rescued as a wild kitten. Surely she'll have something nicer to say...


Head Gardener : Aaaaaw - Minimus! Young Minimus! I love you so much!

Minimus : Oh, great furless cat-mother, I love you so much too. Thank you for taking time out of your busy gardening life to talk to me.

Head Gardener : Aaaaw!

Minimus : And thank you for finding me, frightened and hungry, in the woodshed, and saving me from the talons of the scary brown hawk.

At least that's what I think she said!