Rude Gardening Words

There are many rude gardening words, though you won't find any youngsters looking them up in a dictionary and sniggering. There are rude nouns, rude adjectives, and truckloads of rude verbs. Read on, if you dare...

Rude Rose Words

Anyone who grows roses knows a lot of rude words. There's the M-word, mildew, which gardeners can hardly bear to say out loud, and the AA-words - aphid attack! Then there's the pirate's calling card, the dreaded Black Spot. To get black-spotted (if you're a rose) is the rudest thing, and no fair-mouthed gardener likes to talk about it.

 What a rude photograph!
Aargh! Black Spot on my Rose Leaves

But the worst rude word for rose lovers is one which simply cannot be written down. It's that browny-orange thing which never sleeps. It is the R-word. Aargh!

A Cautionary Gardening Tale - Involving the R-Word

Once upon a time, in the fairytale world where lovely things happen to hard working gardeners, there were two New Dawn roses. They framed the house entrance, soft pink petals dripping, a gentle fragrance wafting on the summer breeze.

 Oh dear!
New Dawn - Before the R*** Struck

Then one dreadful day, as the Head Gardener was resting on the patio underneath, the air was suddenly filled with a different kind of dripping and wafting. Out of nowhere thousands of tiny bright orange pustules floated slowly down. The Head Gardener looked up. Oh horror! New Dawn's leaves were covered with little pinpricks of orange. She had time to whisper the word once - Rust!

Rude Chemical Words

Rude rose words are only the beginning. Lots of chemicals are horribly rude words in my garden. I try to be a gently organic gardener, and when reading a rose spray label which is 'toxic to bees' you might even hear some more traditional, earthy oaths. How ridiculous! Why have shiny green leaves while the bees are poisoned?

 And waiting... and waiting...
Seedlings Waiting to be Planted

Some of the the rudest chemical words for me are those which encourage lazy weeding - for example, products containing G*********. See - I can't even bring myself to write it properly!

Not in My Glass-House!

You won't hear any rude gardening words in my glass-house. My words are always encouraging, and I'd never even think anything remotely off-colour, let alone say it out loud.

I am so pathetically grateful when ten percent of my cuttings take root, or a quarter of my seedlings germinate, that I wouldn't dare tempt fate by using the F-word - that's 'Fungus', of course.

The Rudest Gardening Word of All - The B-Word

The rude prize, however, goes to an adjective. The worst, rudest word that a gardener can ever utter (or even think briefly about using) is that awful B-word. All of us have been guilty, at one time or another, and all of us should be deeply ashamed! See if you can guess what it is.

 This simply will not do!
B**ed Again?

The B-Word - Scenario One:

The garden is a mess, the weather is OK, and there are obviously many things which need doing. The gardener is heard to utter this disgraceful phrase:

'I'm b**ed.'

Another Scenario:

It's the perfect day - not too hot, not too cold, etc. The garden is alive with birds and beneficial insects, a water feature is bubbling beautifully, and flowers are blooming. The gardener weeds for, say ten minutes, and is then heard to mutter:

'This is b**ing.'

The B-Word is Banned

No, there is absolutely no place for the B-word in a decent gardener's vocabulary! It is banned.